Starting a brand in your twenties is something I wish everyone could experience. Building a brand has shown me how much our identity changes over time, yet still stays the same. How the stories we tell about ourselves ebbs and flows as we grow older, yet some stories stay the same we just might have a different understanding of them. When you don’t have a team behind you guiding you, the changes of who you are, crash out and all, will unfold in your branding.
Throughout the years of growing BadFish Wear, there have been many times I hated looking at it. Stepping into the workshop felt as though I was stepping into a dark, clouded room colored with guilt, grief, and resentment. Most of the time, I lay on the floor for hours on end avoiding it. There was a sadness in it all, and I realized that I was starting to hate it all, no longer recognizing the brand because the reality was that I was changing entirely. I didn’t recognize myself and because of that, I just didn’t care what happened anymore.
Two years of graduate school changed my life, I mean, how could it not? Two years of graduate school to become a therapist, though? I had no idea what I was signing up for. The level of constant self-reflection, this life/death/life cycle of becoming and unbecoming was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
I remember asking my mentor halfway through the program, “will I ever stop crying?”
“Eventually”, she replied.
When you have to face the reality that you have to entirely let go of the idea of who you thought you would be in order to fully become who you are supposed to be, it is scary as hell. Accepting that things have changed, accepting that you are allowed to be happy and you don’t have to continuously live in the darkness of survival, you question everything. There is anger, sadness, rage, disappointment, and above all, there is joy.
During this time learning how to be a therapist, I would question my worth and how others would perceive this new version of me. How am I even understanding this version of myself?
“You aren’t the same anymore. What happened?”
There is so much that goes into building a brand and a small business. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. Just like most things in life, until you have experienced it yourself, it is hard to understand. It is all on you. There is no team behind you saying “hey, you seem kind of down these past few months, let us take over and build the brand while you rest” or “hey, you have a lot on your plate, lets rework the business plan and help divy out the load so it isn’t so heavy for you”.
This was when I realized that taking a break was actually the greatest thing I could do for myself. Slowing down and allowing myself to say, “there is just too much on my plate right now and I am feeling burnt out”. So I did just that, took a break. I took the time off of working on BadFish Wear so I could fully embrace the new version of me that I was becoming. I took time off social media and changed how I lived my life entirely. The version of Tyler that decided to live instead of just survive. The version of myself that younger me needed. It has been liberating.
The end goal of BadFish Wear, well, there is no end goal anymore. I just want BadFish Wear to be a part of me, and I want to honor what is important to me in my life now. I am learning how to fully live for me and not just survive anymore. I am learning how to love every version of myself and show kindness, and I have to do the same for BadFish Wear.
BadFish Wear for me now is not just an apparel company or a swimwear line. I want it to be something bigger. I want it to be a brand that one finds comfort in. I want others to be able to wear one of my pieces and say, “All I have to do today is show up as me. No matter what that means, as long as it means the most to me”.
One day I will find the balance of integrating BadFish Wear into my therapeutic work and create community around it bigger than I ever imagined. For now, I am just glad you are here. All I ask is that you always remember that being part of the BadFish Wear Family means more than a shirt, it means you will always have a place to find community.
With love,
Tyler